by Melana Bontrager

Ever feel like your kids are your enemies?

Perhaps that sounds harsh, but there are days in our house when I feel like I am in a full blown war and all the guns are pointing in my direction. This is really not what I imagined when I entertained thoughts of being a mother. I often get caught up in dreaming that I should be easily respected and adored by my boys, attaining hero status simply by the sacrifices I make in order to care for their needs 24/7. What I often get in return, however, is a dissatisfaction with whatever I have decided/made/offered or given. I often receive whining and grumbling in response to my attempts to meet their demands. Today I found myself in the bathroom-my typical place of sanctuary as it possesses the only locking door in our house-with hot tears of anger and frustration slipping down my cheeks. But I took one look in the mirror and immediately melted into introspection: my tears should be over my own sin; the hard-heartedness I entertain daily before my ultimate Provider and Sustainer!

How many times I end up in this place of conviction! I continually find that the rebellious and selfish attitudes of my children closely mirror my own, and if I take a moment to allow their guilty little responses to penetrate my heart, I find that my tears of self-pity quickly transform into repentance for my own sinfulness. Their disrespect and rudeness still hurts, but far greater is the pain embedded in the knowledge that I daily and continually betray my Savior.

Sometimes I feel like the cycle is never ending; I return and return to this place of conviction, wrestling with what I see in my kids and how it mirrors my own heart. Perhaps this is the reality of a mother’s sanctification process. In addition to mirroring my sin, however, my kids also teach me a great deal about the childlike faith that Jesus called us to have; their ability to instantly move forward once forgiveness is sought sometimes amazes me with its abruptness. They believe completely that they are forgiven, simply because they have asked; moving so quickly from a nasty, evil attitude to singing songs about Jesus that I could almost laugh at the transformation. But they haven’t adopted the belief that we should somberly wallow after confessing our sins and asking for forgiveness-a belief that I have yet to find supported in the Bible. Rather, they move on. This too, is convicting as there are parts of my heart that selfishly hold onto shame and allow me to flounder in retrospective guilt. I actually love the instant fresh breath of a changed attitude or a righted situation in dealing with my children, and I have to assume; wouldn’t God love the same from me?

Perhaps the battle lines that seem-on days like today-to be drawn between my sons and I should serve as reminders that there truly is a war at hand. These are not meaningless, isolated incidents. Satan wants the hearts of my kids just as he wants mine. He will continue to hound our family as long as we profess the name of Christ. The good news is that Jesus pursues us as well; and his promises are strong and true. If I can start seeing these mundane battles with my children as daily practice for greater battles ahead, perhaps my teary trips to the bathroom might be re-routed, and my faith bolstered by the bigger picture of God’s perfect will being executed through us!