by Melana Bontrager

Through a variety of circumstances, I have not been in an actual Mars Hill church service for quite a few months now. The details are not necessary, and it is a short-term phase: the end of which I can see on the horizon. Never the less, as Sunday has not held a “live” sermon for me in quite a while, I have been listening online at approximately 1 week behind schedule.

Last night as I listened to worship: God transforms, I began to mull over the last year in which our community group walked together through the book/workbook How People Change by Lane and Tripp, and the women’s bible study I was involved with last summer journeyed through the writing of our stories as we read To Be Told by Dan Allender. Both of these studies brought up many of the same issues as Pastor Mark addressed this past Sunday in his laundry list of questions regarding worship. Some of the questions were not new to me, but were a good reminder of the distance that easily slips in between conscious surrender and lazy apathy; I have been easily consumed by life, allowing it to run and dictate my worship rather than consciously taking up my cross daily, laying at the feet of Jesus all belief in the deceitfulness of Satan.

Of all the questions raised in his notes, the one Pastor Mark asked that most caught me off guard was “what idols am I selling to others.” I don’t often like to think of myself as a seller of idols, but it was a hard question to ignore and has been rolling around in my head much of the day. I sometimes wonder what others think of me; pondering how vastly the way I see myself might clash with the person that others think of when my name is mentioned. This ponderance can become an obsession, so it’s something that I strive to keep in check, but perhaps Pastor Mark’s question addresses it in a healthy way.

As I’ve been thinking about my list of “wares” solicited by my daily life, at the top are some pretty stupid things. Through the course of the last couple years, God has patiently pointed out my sin areas, and I can see the fruit of my actions as they change from rotten to Christ-sweetness. However, as it seems is always the case as I journey with my Savior, I am reminded that we do not arrive in this lifetime—arriving is for later. Rather, we are as ogres: our layers uncovered like the peels of an onion. Each layer may reveal something new or it may reveal more deeply the root of what was uncovered at a previous time. Either way, the list that spilled out as I contemplated the idols I sell included some of the oldies that I have prided myself on having licked for good. (Okay, shall I add that to the list, too? Damn pride!)

Of my repertoire of propaganda, “having it all together makes a difference” runs high on the list. Even though I am growing to love the raw and messy way of true redemption, I still find myself returning to the “importance” of self-presentation. I think this must convey–on many levels–the assumption that I am supportive of all y’all who are trudging through the mire, but I’ve found my step up and am doing just fine, thank you. The truth is that I get hurt and I am lonely and I have days of being quite blue and I have yelled at my kids (today), and most of the time I feel like I’m flying by the seat of my pants.

I thought about this today in light of what I am truly beginning to believe about Christ, and for the first time, put together in consciousness the total lunacy of what I am selling. Attempting to sell others—through my actions—on the possibility that merit can be gained through accomplishment is to spit in the face of the truth: I CAN DO NOTHING THAT IS DESERVING OF JESUS! My very best effort is as filthy menstrual rags; and so my choice to live in deception and try to sell my deception is ugly and ludicrous. So why do I insist on peddling this outrageous idea? It has to do with worship! It seems that what you worship becomes at the same time more consuming and more alluring. If it’s anything but Christ, the allure and draw abounds, but the emptiness grows like a chasm: begging to be filled, but remaining a dark vacuity. BUT, if worship is of Christ alone, that consuming fire is lit in our hearts, constantly kindling a draw from the depths of our created beings. We are simultaneously full of desire and utterly contented—it is then that Soli Deo Gloria (to God alone be the Glory) can be the cry of our very souls and the thing which our lives most loudly proclaim!

This day I have–most assuredly–been challenged. Today I see the path more clearly. Thanks be to God for his Word and those who teach its truth unabashedly!