I have a 4 ½ year old who is bright and wonderful and keeps me on my toes with his ability to jump easily from a conversation about the wonders of heaven straight into a angry-eyed tantrum in the middle of isle 7 at QFC. Although I have a degree that plunged me into studying children’s behavior and how it relates to the inner workings of their mind/emotions/feelings, I find that no amount of education could have prepared me for what I face with my children on a daily basis.

My default is to desire my son’s outlook to be positive and his actions to reflect a serene little lamb at the feet of Jesus. The truth is that I just want him to want to obey, to love and serve Jesus, to take the Bible seriously and to willingly tailor his behavior to the parameters we have set in our home. It can be tempting to overlook the deeper wrestling of his spirit and to strive for the most–if only on the surface–well behaved kid; succumbing to appall when rudeness, disrespect and selfishness burst out of his little body.

As I am discovering, my desire for my son to naturally ooze goodness totally disregards the reality that he is a human being, struggling with his sinful nature just as every human being has since the fall of mankind. Essentially, he is new to this spiritual battle we wage daily; his armor is limited and his understanding of the big picture is small at best (heck, at 32 mine is often nonexistent). The truth is that if I want his behavior to glaze over the brewing of his fallen soul, I am doing him a disservice, and sending him out to war horribly unprepared.

Just taking a moment to think about all the years I have been given to wrestle against principalities and powers without being blasted for messing up is a sobering thought, and shifts my heart toward grace. How frequently does God redirect my words, my actions and my heart? (often, and repeatedly) The reality is that we wrestle daily against sin and it’s not pretty and gift-wrapped. Most often-if we’re honest-it’s ugly and messy and frayed at the ends. How can I expect my sons to fight valiantly if their preparation entails merely an extensive focus on clean shoes and opinions that are best kept to buttoned-up?

I’m not going to discontinue disciplining my sons, nor will I quit entreating them to abstain from spitting pasta at each other in a restaurant or writhing on the floor like lunatics in response to an “unfavorable” decision on my part. However, I do plan to proceed with caution when it comes to my knee-jerk responses to their sinfulness: I want to be sensitive to the paths they are walking, to seek discernment rather than jumping to emotional conclusions. I plan to pray for them and to guide them and to stand with them as the Holy Spirit works on their hearts; way down deep below the spitting and the flying spaghetti.

Melana Bontrager