If I’m honest, I will hurt you. Its really just that simple. My human depravity leaves me without the option. Unless, however, I have Jesus flowing through my veins. Then I have a fighting chance for being honest without demolishing everything in my path. But even then, I still come up sinful more often than not. I wonder if this is the struggle referred to in the first part of James 4: The wanting and the not having, the fighting and quarreling and the asking without receiving? It seems that we are constantly warring between the desires of God and the pressure of our human fallen-ness.

I am in a women’s community group that meets once a week. I don’t think I’ve ever been in community so true and honest and gritty. Yes, gritty-and I do so like that word! Gritty seems to be what James is talking about. There is the roughness of sin that grates against the holiness of God, and it produces in us a constant battle of flesh vs. spirit.

In our community group, it seems the more we dig into God’s Word as a group, the more real he becomes and the more blatant our sin seems to be. Not only is our sin made clear, but our confession of it has become a regular part of our communion as sisters in Christ. I’m becoming increasingly convinced of the importance of true, Christ-seeking community-it doesn’t allow for sin to hide in the secret cracks of our hearts. Likewise, it doesn’t allow us to remain unchanged beings, but promotes the working of the Gospel in our daily lives as we live in accountability with one another.

In our community group, I am being challenged to look at what comes out of my mouth as a result of the state of my heart as we are working through the book War of Words by Paul David Tripp, while simultaneously I am being challenged from the pulpit at Mars Hill Church to examine my heart and take a look at such ugly attributes as pride and grumbling. I mention these two because they have been especially glaring in my life, even though I have turned toward them a blind eye, thinking that I have been justified in my thoughts (pride) and have deserved to hold my own “opinions” (grumbling).

I was recently called on the carpet regarding my prideful, self-righteousness by someone very dear to me. It was painful to finally take a look at the havoc wreaked by my sin, but humbling in a refreshing sort-of way. For everything I’ve done, I’ve always had an excuse, and each excuse has held me just far enough from the truth to remain comfortably uncomfortable. Being forced to come nose to nose with my sin has brought me to my knees, and with confession has come the true peace of Jesus; even as the pain of my decisions linger. I am grateful for the hand of God allowing the hurt that further turned my heart toward him.

After Pastor Mark’s sermon on humility a few weeks ago, I again saw a bit of myself: a prideful, arrogant mess. This came on the heels of months of praying that Jesus would make me aware of my sin; that I would begin to know the weight of my depravity that it might draw me to him.I now see how much bigger a prayer that was than I ever realized. Another clue-in to my totally self-righteous attitudes, but a good reminder to be careful about that for which you pray: look out, God is faithful and does answer prayer!!!