Today I received my first letter of rejection; the response to a piece of art I submitted to an east coast-based magazine.

I’m new to the whole submitting-art-for-public-acceptance thing even though I’ve been journaling for years and it’s been more than a decade since graduating with a Bachelor’s degree in fine art. I have felt drawn to being published, to be considered a “producing artist”, but rather than produce, I have doubted the gifts entrusted to me: letting self-centered, low self-esteem tell me that they really aren’t much, that they are fragile, that they are personal: mine to use for my own purposes, to coddle, to pet, to keep safe from the world that might offend them. I’ve put up a lot of good talk; talk about intentions, plans, projects. Few of these have materialized, however, and I’ve been found empty handed, simply daydreaming about what could be.

Truthfully, I’ve feared that the moment I jump in and claim artist-hood, all intelligent and talented artists-the ones that truly “deserve” the title-will join forces against me, pointing fingers and proclaiming my unworthiness. To state the obvious, I have been afraid of rejection; so afraid of failure that I have completely missed the true purpose of my God-given gifts. And so, my artistic gifts have remained: sinfully undeveloped because I’ve served the idol of my fear rather than the ultimate Creator Himself.

In his book To be Told, Dan Allender says that “Dreams can quickly become fantasies if we refuse to risk and bleed for our future”. Personally, I don’t know that I’ve offered much more than a pin-prick’s worth of effort toward the development of my gifts, but Allender’s words mirror what I’m currently learning: that nothing done half-heartedly or for the interest of ones self alone will ever amount to much for the kingdom of God. And so, my mindset has begun to alter regarding the gift of artistic talent that God has seen fit to place in my being: the gift is His to give, the talent is on loan from Him, and my lack of willingness to shout my gratefulness to the heavens by pouring myself into the development of that gift is a complete slap in the face to the Creator who formed me from the dust of the earth, loved me with an uncompromising love and offered Jesus as a beautiful and horrible substitution for the death that I deserve as a fallen human being!

So, back to the rejection letter: does it burn my cheeks a bit to know that someone has decided that I’m not good enough? Yep. I entertained a multi-dimensional range of emotions from anger to shame to embarrassment upon opening the letter. Ultimately, however, I have decided to see it as an opportunity; an invitation to jump in and come close to fatigue and drowning yet hold on to the faith that he who has begun a good work in me will carry it on to completion. (Philippians 1:6) Jesus suffered more rejection than I will ever know. While on this earth, He hurt more than I will ever hurt, and he was betrayed more deeply than I will ever be able to fathom. Yet he was perfect and he pursued the will of his Father up until his last breath on that gnarly, mysterious cross. If this was the experience of the Perfection of the world as he sought to bring glory to his Father, so should the letter that came today serve as my reminder to faithfully pursue the development of that which has been entrusted to me. Soli Deo Gloria-to God alone be the Glory