I’ve been wandering about, wondering when I’m going to get back on my feet; feeling a sinking sadness and wallowing in the inability to get things done. There are a few things in my current life situation that one might say could “justify” such tendencies, but I have a feeling that if sought, a scape-goat culprit can always be found. In my case, I think my current state has to do with where my time is spent and where my heart has found shelter.

I don’t really watch TV, and movies are viewed on an occasional basis. This trend began years ago when my husband and I didn’t have access to television service for a time, and we just filled in the space with other things. Now after the years of TV-free living, I honestly struggle to find where I would fit television back into my life, and so it has easily remained out of the daily routine. The funny thing about this way of life is that I love watching television. I love a good story line and I love to follow it, to watch the emotions of the characters unfold and to live life along with them. Maybe that last part is the problem: in the past I have abused my freedoms by getting sucked into the story and losing my grasp on the life I was given to lead.

Frequently the characters of movies have invaded my soul and commanded my attention, plunging me into a retreat from reality where I mull over their decisions and thoughts. I’ve used movie and TV watching to numb pain, to escape reality or to dream. Consequently, my basic response to these tendencies has been to use my lack of TV as a way to shut out ugly parts of the world around me—what you don’t see can’t hurt you, right??? In reality, the whole engaging culture thing really blows a hole in my safety-closet, and the retreat-and-hide approach doesn’t exactly present a healthy way to engage one’s freedoms. Point and case: the reason I’m in a frumpy funk….

About 2 weeks ago I spent a wonderful and indulgent weekend with a dear friend. Our traditional, yearly weekend always involves great conversation, leisurely afternoons over coffee, catching up on our art endeavors and lately, watching the entire season of an engaging and addicting TV show. I will spare you the distraction of the show’s name, and acknowledge that the character development and content is insightful and often quite redeeming. The content itself is not the root of my problem. As I look back, I notice that when I returned from said weekend, I felt disconnected from my life; I had jumped into a world other than mine and was neglecting the responsibilities of being fully me. I found myself desiring the continuation of another story rather than engaging in mine. I had opened a dusty, locked box and rather than partaking responsibly, I dove in gluttonously with mindless abandon.

Charles H. Spurgeon, in an excerpt from Morning by Morning, writes that when it seems we have “lost” Christ, we must go back and look in the place where we left him: if we have neglected him through a lack of prayer, we will find him by returning to prayer; if in neglect of his scriptures, it is there where we will find him; if we have lost him by clinging to sin, we will find him by surrendering the sin and clinging to the cross.

It is obvious—and embarrassing—to acknowledge that I left Jesus in front of the boob-tube; that I abandoned my precious Savior for the cheap thrill of stepping out of my life and entertaining the fictional life of another human being. My prayer-time has been lacking. I have been less drawn to the Bible. I have given in to numbness and complacency. ALL THIS FOR A TELEVISION SHOW? Well, yes and no. The television show isn’t the root of the problem; it’s the way in which I engaged the show. I decided to serve something else by letting it fill my heart rather than partake of my God-given freedoms with thankfulness and the choice to keep my God-filter intact: selfishness took root and the cloudiness set in.

About loosing Jesus, Spurgeon goes on to say “how is it that you have lost him? One would have thought that you would never have parted with such a precious friend, whose presence is so sweet, whose words are so comforting and whose company is so dear to you! How is it that you did not watch him every moment for fear of loosing sight of him? Yet, since you have let him go, what a mercy that you are seeking him…go on seeking, for it is dangerous to be without thy Lord.”

It is dangerous to be without thy Lord. How am I so duped into thinking that some fast-paced drama out weighs the excitement and daring and challenge of the God I claim to serve? Everyone is looking for a fix, but Jesus isn’t a fix, he’s the answer. The false gods that beg for my allegiance only resonate with my sin nature that doesn’t get the whole picture; they paint themselves as enticing and leave no room for me to cling to the passionate drama of the cross. Sometimes I get so easily tripped up by the sins of the simple, it makes me want to spit. Still, I am thankful for the mercy to keep on seeking him, emotional wreck that I can be; slowly learning to engage my television for the sake of his body, for the sake of his Glory.

Melana Bontrager